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Putting the vice back into advice

25 June 2014  |  News

Slithershanks, chin wobbler and ignominious footnote to history, has not been performing all that well in his career of late. His thoughts, no doubt, are turning to where else he can leverage his undoubted talents. All none of them. He might, for instance, give a hand to members of the public looking to ensure their financial futures.

It has led to some marvelous interchanges with his clients.

“So, how is my portfolio going, Slither”

“Can’t say”.


“Why not?”

"It would be a violation of the Financial Secret Services Pure Invention Alice in Wonderland Act of 1912. Plus I haven’t got a clue.”

“No clue? Isn’t that supposed to be your job?”

“I have never done my job before, don’t see why I should start now.  Show some respect, please. Here’s a chin wobble to prove my point.”

“OK, how are you investing my money?”

“Well, I believe that your shares are doing well, although I can’t tell you because it’s secret.”

“If it’s a secret, how do you know?”

“Because they have been observed associating with known high performing companies in some highly respectable places. I am reliably informed that because they have been seen associating with known share price rises, they are companies of good character and so I will not have to cancel their dividends and deport them from your portfolio.”

“Well, what is their performance so far?”

“15%, I think.”

“Oh, that’s excellent. I’m relieved.”

“Of course, I'm not sure if that is a positive 15%. Must check that, actually."




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