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I'll have my stake medium rare, thank you

21 August 2014  |  News

meatSlithershanks peered at his staff and wondered how he could get them to buy into his vision download going forward across all the core competency levers. It was a process actualisation output deliverable issue that clearly required getting all his ducks in a  row across the range of re-engineered ball empowerments.

"Look, we have to do this for our stakeholders," said Slithershanks, stroking his human capital in a manner that could only be described as mildly disturbing.

"Why?" asked employee Dolly Riseranks, looking like she was not only not on the same page, she did not even have the right book.

"Well, they have stakes. And they are holding them. That makes them very important. It's not easy to hold stakes. You can get splinters. Often you have had to pull them out of the ground. That's not easy. I almost ran into a stake once ...."


"Thanks, Slither" said Riseranks. "Of course, if we could put a stake through your heart. I believe that is appropriate for the Undead."

"At least I am an Undead aligned with corporate philosophy."

"Yes, you are that, Slither. You are that."

"Alright, here are some definitions that might help you come on board with our attempts to take it on board and circle back in our root and branch review of staff empowerment."

Ageing population. Something that is happening to Australia. Not that it is anything to be proud of. Anyone can get old if they are prepared to hang around long enough.

Cremation. More neat than burial, but either is preferable to a career in human resources management.

Disintermediation. The withdrawal of money from low yielding financial accounts, such as saving accounts, and the reinvestment into higher yielding securities such as your financial adviser’s third holiday home.

Duopoly. Australia’s idea of too much competition. After all, one’s company and two’s a crowd.

Energy. Something we have to save. Fortunately, we are doing well. For instance, we are not spending any energy on leadership, education, skills training, maintaining the independence of the judiciary, protecting free speech or being tolerant. That must really be reducing greenhouse emissions.

Line. Something that people step over. Having worked out where it is, they then step over it again. And again.

Minorities. A majority waiting to happen.

Obituaries. Conclusive proof that not all publicity is good publicity.

Professional bodies. Entities that advise customers how to protect themselves. In much the same way that parents will advise children not to accept candy from strangers unless they are offered a ride as well.

Reputation. A priceless asset in business, because it shows exactly how much you have got away with so far.

Working families. As we know, the Federal election was all about working families. Which is odd, really. All families are dysfunctional. Only about three work in the entire country.





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